I Had to Do it Anyway

Eventually I had to look up from my books to truly understand – but I’m grateful for every last line I read, because the drops of ink spilled by those who walked before me helped guide me towards my own first step.

It wasn’t so much what those pages spoke, but the rising frustration I felt in knowing there was something more I wasn’t hearing. And it wasn’t the thoughts that sprouted from the seeds they planted, but how my thinking revealed what I couldn’t yet feel.

It was the sense of learning but not really knowing that finally pushed me to that point. It was the words unwritten that made me stop looking down and try looking in.

The books didn’t give me the answers, but I had to read them anyway.

Eventually I had to drop the act to learn the practice – but I appreciate every forced routine and structured approach, because those rehearsed outer movements revealed my secret inner struggle.

It wasn’t so much the controlled routines but the frustration of realizing there was so much I couldn’t control. It wasn’t the monitored thoughts and forced meditations, but the rising tension between where I wanted to be and where I felt I was.

I had to keep tightening my cage to the point of discomfort before I’d risk what it took to finally break free.

The rituals didn’t mend my broken pieces, but I had to practice them anyway.

Eventually I had to forget the words to learn the language – but still I appreciate every mental puzzle, each philosophical dive and scribbled line.

It wasn’t how I followed the thread, but about how it helped me reveal each knot. And it wasn’t about what I managed to define but about getting to the point where my mind could admit that it was my heart that needed to know.

I had to stop trying to make sense to finally understand.

The words couldn’t reveal my truth, but I had to use them anyway.

Eventually I had to let go of the seeking so I could embrace being found – but I honor the quest and appreciate each step I took.

It wasn’t so much the way I searched but the way the searching changed me. It wasn’t so much where it took me, but the way it showed me what I craved.

I had to brave those outer trials to find my inner peace. I had to walk through the flames to let the waters of life flow. I had to travel to far off places to rediscover my home.

The truth was there all along, but I had to chase it anyway.

Eventually I had to stop trying so I could start allowing – but still I love the reader, the practitioner, the thinker, the seeker I’ve been.

It wasn’t about the roles I took but about finding my wholeness beyond them. And it wasn’t about which stage I was in but about learning that still I glow throughout.

Eventually the journey took me full circle, but I had to take it anyway.

© 2019 Cristen

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