A New Year’s Prayer

For the first time in a while, I can feel the weight lifting off my chest. For the first time in a while I am starting to turn for home. And as I work to find my way back, I can’t help but think about the time lost when I wandered, separated from you.

Through valleys and deserts barren and dry, I journeyed with and without company, sometimes longing for a friend and others crying to be left alone by those who only pretended to be.

Words can’t contain the anguish, nor do I wish they could, because my trek through those wastelands is not something I want to show anyone.

I don’t sit here to write this from a place of comfort, where all of the pains have been fully processed and the lessons understood as I normally would. I sit here just on the cusp of my rebirth from the ashes, not yet fully formed but well on my way.

All that I know for now is that they have been completed, the chapter has changed, and I will never be the same.

And through it all, at the deepest and darkest turns, when I looked to you, you were always there. Steadfast. Consistent. My anchor when out at sea. My hope when it seemed as if I might not have the courage to muster more on my own. Love when it took everything I had to not wither with fear. Water when it seemed as if my garden was dying.

Through it all, I had you. And you had me.

Could I have opened more and embraced this divine love? Would that have softened the blows? Perhaps. Or maybe I really did the very best I could and those flames were just what I needed to broaden my resiliency and shed what no longer suited me.

All I can say for now is that I am grateful to be alive. I’m thankful for my family and for new friends. And I am thankful for the protection that I know in every fiber of my being was there through it all.

You gave me what I needed. You allowed what I could handle. And you remained with me every step of the way. Even when the weight of it all made me close my eyes, you stayed. Even when the exhaustion made me wonder off on side roads, you stayed. Even when I forgot who I was, you remained to remind me.

Overwhelmed by gratitude, I can feel the freedom and hope in each inhale. Thank you for this life. For this breath. For this hope. For your love. Thank you for carrying me when my legs were tired. Thank you for holding me when I felt so alone. Thank you for guiding me when I lost my way.

Thank you.

©️2024 Cristen Writes