My Younger Self

So often I’ve heard people talk about what they would say to their younger self. And so many times when they look my way, expecting some deep and drawn out response, I stare blankly back.

Unsure.

Conflicted.

Because every time I come to the conclusion that I wouldn’t want to change anything. Even the things I would.

Because if it happened any other way, maybe both I and those I’ve known will have lost something.

Maybe just a pinch of early insight would replace wisdom with blanket knowledge and cost us something I can’t quite articulate, yet nonetheless feels important.

And so I just say “I’m not sure”, and let the topic pass on to the next person.

Yet, as I sit here now, in the quiet of my living room with my son asleep beside me, I know exactly what I would say to my younger self.

I would say that it all changes.

I would say hold everything lightly.

Don’t give it too much meaning, because in the end the things that seem so important now are like the blanket of snow just keeping the seeds warm. And in time you will witness the thawing and the warming, and eventually the spring and the blooming – and there you will find that nothing was as it seemed.

All that was once true has broken down and become something entirely different. Something much deeper. More refined. Potent. Pure. Real.

Where before it was about self, it becomes about others. And where before it was about others, it’s now about self.

Where once you sought out comfort, now you give it; and where once you looked for love, now you live it. Where before you sought reason, now you feel truth.

Night clubs turn into sunsets, and impressing turns to undressing. Striving turns to manifesting; seeking turns to teaching. Pride turns to humility, and fear turns to hope.

All that once was important slowly starts to fade, and is replaced not by new places, or things, or even goals, but by new levels and understandings and gifts.

Lightly, I would tell her. Hold it lightly.

Don’t fear letting go.

I know it all seems so important now – but it won’t always. And that’s a good thing. It’s an amazing thing, actually.

Don’t change a thing, because it all leads you somewhere – but carry it lightly and be ready to let it go.

Because everything changes, baby girl, even and most especially yourself.

©️ Cristen Writes